Transcript – Modern Technology Breaks – Episode 101

BRESLAU: (broadcast filter)

Attention, podcast listeners. The feed for Marc Maron Interviews His Own Moustache has gone down, so you have been redirected to something of equally-fuzzy quality: Modern Technology Breaks.

(Control-switch click)

(Main theme music)

(Fade to:)


Int. Control room

(Continuous unidentifiable machinery thrum, occasional threads of distorted unintellegible sped-up audio from other broadcasts way in the background)

BRESLAU:

…and this is the main recording studio, where we actually do most of the technological heavy-lifting here at the Modern Technology Podcast Network.

GILA:

It’s.. very nice, Breslau.

ROB:

(coughing) And interesting atmosphere.  Are we sure this isn’t the storage closet for decaying antiques?

BRESLAU:

Hanh?  No, this is live gear, all running now.  This here is the technological nerve center of this place…

(Minor sparkly electrical explosion)

GILA & ROB:

(Surprised yelps)

BRESLAU:

…some of the nerves are a little nervous, today.

ROB:

Do you worry this gear might be a little outdated?

BRESLAU:

Nonsense, it was all brand new top-of-the-line equipment when I helped install it.

GILA:

Er.. how long ago was that?

BRESLAU:

Few decades, maybe?  Who keeps track, I have enough aggravation.  Anyway this all used to be for terrestrial radio, but we managed to convert everything to the online podcast-capable hub of noise-generating goodness our listeners all know and love.

ROB:

Well, I happen to know a thing or two about broadcast engineering, and I’m pretty sure this unit over here dates back to the 1940s.  Check out the vacuum tubes.

(Tink-tink of fingernail on glass tube)

BRESLAU:

Oh yeah, that’s a bit of the newer stuff I patched in.  Bought it off a guy in in the flea market, I don’t think that poor dope had any idea what it was even for, ha-ha..

ROB:

What is it for?

BRESLAU:

No idea.

GILA:

Hey Rob,

(Picking something unidentifiable up)

Is this one plastic or Bakelite?

BRESLAU:

Yeahh, we do our best to keep up with the times, here at the old M-dot-T.  That’s how we can crank out all our quality Modern Technology podcasts. Like this one, just coming down the tubes now… you can listen in, if you want.  Put on those headphones, right over here…

(Picking up headphones)

(Fade out)


(Control-switch click)


(“Black Ferret” theme; action-evoking spy music)

ANNOUNCER DON:

Mattresses which get shoved into cardboard boxes proudly present another exciting tale of the world’s greatest cat burglar, the Black Ferret.

As we begin our story, the world’s greatest cat burglar, the Black Ferret, sits in the luxurious home office of famed industrialist – and secret crime boss – Fenwick Van Wyck.

(Fade in to:)

Int. Luxurious home office

(Fireplace crackling, and the soft ticking of an expensive-sounding grandfather clock)

VAN WYCK:

Greetings, Mr.. what shall I call you?

BLACK FERRET:

“The Black Ferret” will suffice, Mr. Van Wyck.

VAN WYCK:

Of course.  Black Ferret, I’ve heard the rumors and stories about what you can do.  They say you can steal anything.

BLACK FERRET:

That is correct.  I am the best cat burglar there is.

VAN WYCK:

So they say, all throughout the criminal underworld.  And if it’s true, I’ve got a job for you. However, you’ll understand if I require some proof of your abilities.  You see, I need the best.

BLACK FERRET:

No doubt.  I had, of course, anticipated your need for a little demonstration.  To that end, I have something for you, Van Wyck.

(wallet drawn from pocket, thrown on table)

VAN WYCK:

Is that… my wallet?

(opening wallet, rifling through)

It is!  You took my wallet!  But.. it was in my pocket when you came in!  You stole it from my pocket!

BLACK FERRET:

That is correct.  Feel free to check, your belongings are still within.

(More rifling)

VAN WYCK:

Hmm.. so they are, and you’ve added a calling card of yours.  (reading)  “Greetings from the Black Ferret.”

BLACK FERRET:

I do not do what I do for such lowly returns as the credit cards of famed industrialist and secret crime boss Fenwick Van Wyck. I do it for the challenge, for the love of the exquisite art of high-stakes burglary, and to prove to the world that I, the Black Ferret, can steal absolutely anything.  I am the best cat burglar there is.

VAN WYCK:

Well, okay that’s pretty good, but the job I have in mind is more than just a pickpocketing.  Now, you see, we-

(keys thrown on table, and picked up)

BLACK FERRET:

You will recognize, of course, the keys to your antique Rolls-Royce, the one you keep in this mansion’s secure garage behind the infrared lasers?

VAN WYCK:

They are!  And you’ve strung your calling card onto the keyring?

BLACK FERRET:

That I have.  Greetings.

VAN WYCK:

But I drove that car home today, I pulled into the garage and came right up here to meet with you!

BLACK FERRET:

You did.

VAN WYCK:

And you.. Stole the keys from my desk drawer?

BLACK FERRET:

And this is the automobile’s steering nut.

(klonk of a steering nut onto a desk)

You’ll want to have a professional reinstall that.  Tell them to clean your oil filter while they’re in there, it’s in frankly disgraceful shape.

VAN WYCK:

I.. you stole that from inside my car, inside my high-security garage beneath my home, while I got from down there to my office up here?!

BLACK FERRET:

Correct.

VAN WYCK:

And you.. screwed it into another Black Ferret calling card.

BLACK FERRET:

Correct.  You’ll have to excuse the oil stain on the card, this once. I blame you.

VAN WYCK:

Okay, that’s impressive.

BLACK FERRET:

Greetings.

VAN WYCK:

But how did you-

BLACK FERRET:

As I told you, Mr. Van Wyck,.  I can steal anything. I’m the best cat burglar there is.

VAN WYCK:

…Well, Mr. Black Ferret, obviously you’ve got the job.  Meet me back here at this time tomorrow, and I’ll tell you all about the heist.

BLACK FERRET:

Of course.

VAN WYCK:

And I apologize for questioning your abilities, but you understand I had to be sure.  I don’t just want to hire any old two-bit hood smashing in store windows with a.. er.. what do you call it, that thing.. uhh.. that thing, you smash.. the tool, that you hit…

BLACK FERRET:

Yes?  A what?

VAN WYCK:

A… calling card that says “Greetings from the Black Ferret?”  Wait, that’s not it, I mean the tool that you hit stuff with, what.. why am I thinking about your card, why can’t I remember what tool I’m talking about?

BLACK FERRET:

A hammer.

VAN WYCK:

..yes, yes!  That’s right!  A hammer! A hammer, not your calling card!  And I’d forgotten all about it..

BLACK FERRET:

Or, did you forget…?

VAN WYCK:

Was that.. did you… did you just steal the basic concept of a hammer from my mind?

BLACK FERRET:

I can steal anything.  I’m the best cat burglar there is.

VAN WYCK:

And.. you somehow replaced the thought of a hammer, in my mind, with the thought of your calling card?!

BLACK FERRET:

…Greetings.

(Beat)

VAN WYCK:

Mama mia.

(Fade out)

(“Black Ferret” theme)

ANNOUNCER DON:

Tune in next time for another exciting chapter from the life of the world’s greatest cat-burglar, The Black Ferret!


(Control-switch click)


(Fade in)

Int. Control room

BRESLAU:

So anyway, how did you two come to be the new owners of the Modern Technology Podcast Network?

ROB:

Well, it’s kind of a funny story.

GILA:

(underwhelmed) Hilarious.

ROB:

I was messing around on my phone, checking out some online auctions, and I saw an old lunchbox that I really wanted to buy.

GILA:

What lunchbox was it, again?

ROB:

A blue one with this great picture of Smelly Dave, a famous whale from the 1950s. Anyway, I sneezed, my finger slipped, and I accidentally clicked “buy it now” on the listing underneath.

GILA:

Next thing we know, my husband and I are the proud owners of a podcast radio station.. thing.

BRESLAU:

Ha! Typical. Explains why the previous owner skipped out on us, and why she was laughing quite so hard.

ROB:

Yeah, I can show you on my phone.. there’s the listing for this station, with our shared account as the buyer, see? And then I couldn’t afford the lunchbox anymore.

GILA:

And then I changed the password on our shared account. Again. Why did the previous owner list this place under the “lunchboxes” category, anyway?

ROB:

Anyhow, then we got a bunch of dusty paperwork in the mail from this address and, well, here we are.

BRESLAU:

Your story touches me, probably. Much like this next Modern Technology podcast will touch its listeners.

(Fade out)


(Control-switch click)


CEDRIC:

Close Cover Before Striking a Pose. Here… in Creepy Town.

(“Here In Creepy Town” theme; trippy keys and drums)

Good evening, listeners. You are listening to Creepy Town Public Radio, I am your announcer, Cedric Bellmore.

(The theme music fades down into an ambient music bed)

Our lovely little town of Creepy Town is a lovely little town, perfectly idyllic in every way. We have our Creepy Town council, who are evil elder gods, we have a mayor of Creepy Town, who is an evil elder god, and we have a Creepy Town PTA president, who is an evil elder god. We love our evil elder gods here in Creepy Town.

We all shop for groceries at the beloved Creepy Town Whole Foods, which carries a wide selection of live venomous spiders in the produce section and a wide selection of live venomous spiders in the soup section, and live venomous spiders pretty much everywhere else. All our groceries are live venomous spiders, here in Creepy Town.

Every week, something unspeakably horrid threatens our lovely middle-American suburb and all its residents. It may be enraged fire-breathing dragons laying waste to all in their paths, it may be bloodthirsty household appliances given unholy life by an eldritch and forbidden ritual, it may be that the streets, sidewalks, and carpets in Creepy Town have all turned into boiling lava, it may be the twisted ghosts of a karaoke league from an alternate dimension from beyond the veil of reason itself come to sup upon our very souls, but one thing’s for sure: a great many of us will die horrible deaths. But, it’s all part of the charm of life here in Creepy Town.

One of our celebrated Creepy Town citizens is good old Lorenzo Beauvoir.

Lorenzo is a regular sight at the Creepy Town haunted video arcade, when, that is, he’s not working his shift at the Creepy Town used burning car dealership where all the used cars are permanently on fire.

Yes Lorenzo is an intrinsic part of our community here in Creepy Town. Lorenzo joins me in the studio tonight to tell us about his own love for Creepy Town. Lorenzo, thanks for coming.

LORENZO:

Hiya, Cedric. Thanks for having me on your show.

CEDRIC:

Lorenzo, how’s life here in Creepy Town going for you?

LORENZO:

Ah, it’s for the birds.

CEDRIC:

I.. wait, what?

LORENZO:

It sucks. I hate it here, that’s why I’m leaving.

CEDRIC:

L… leaving?? Creepy Town?

LORENZO:

Yeah, I’m moving on. My sister’s got a spare room in her place in Woonsocket, Rhode Island. I’m going to crash there for a bit, catch up with my sister-in-law and the kids, it’s going to be great. I’ve got some job interviews lined up, and everything. Lotta prospects.

CEDRIC:

But, why Lorenzo? Why would you want to leave our beloved Creepy Town, this beloved town we all love?

LORENZO:

Because this place is a damn hazard! Stuff tries to kill us every week, everyone and everything is controlled by eldritch evils from the time before time, we’re constantly rebuilding from the latest unexplainable catastrophe – do you have any idea how much insurance costs in a town like this? More than I make selling no cars at the car dealership, I can tell you that! Nobody wants to buy a burning car, Cedric! It’s not normal!

CEDRIC:

But…

LORENZO:

But nothing. I’m getting out while I still have my major organs intact. Before they get crushed by possessed lawn furniture, or sucked out by alien probes, or some other damn Lovecraftian thing.

CEDRIC:

Look, I grant you life here in Creepy Town has its particular hardships. But that’s true of any place, is it not? And deep down, we all have a deep and abiding love for our beloved hazardous middle-American suburb and all who suffer it with us.

LORENZO:

What are you, some kind of weirdo? Look Cedric, you know how many killer dragons there are in Woonsocket? None! You know how many people want to buy a car from a dealership in Woonsocket? A car that’s NOT on fire? Some, Cedric, some, and that makes all the difference. I’m outta here. This place is inimical to human life.

CEDRIC:

Lorenzo, we can continue this discussion in a moment, but just now I’m getting an update from town square, where it appears we’re having our invasion of the week. Is it the lava thing this time? The evil karaoke… no, no, it’s the appliances. Listeners, it’s the possessed appliances this week, come to magical life to turn violently on their owners.

LORENZO:

Ugh, the stinkin’ appliances again? This is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about, Cedric.

CEDRIC:

Listeners, don’t trust your microwaves, your electric mixers will stir your eyes in their sockets, your Keurig now dispenses jets of steaming and lethal hydrofluoric acid, and so on. You all know how this works. But, dear listeners, we must get through it, together, because we love it here in Creepy Town.

While we battle this threat to our beloved town, our way of life, and in fact our very lives themselves, let’s listen to..

(Bed music drops out)

..Some music.

(Tinkly music sweeps in)

QUIRKEL VAN HIPSING: (singing)

I’m an indie singer from Brooklyn
Who has a quirky voice
My old-timey facial hair
Is quite a quirky choice

(Music drops out, more ambient bed music fades in)

CEDRIC:

Well, listeners, while you were all rushing madly to buy that song from Bandcamp and follow the artist on Instagram, we somehow solved the problem of the evil bloodthirsty living appliances. So, you know, good for us.

LORENZO:

You know, Cedric, I’ve always wondered how we do all that problem-resolving stuff that happens off-mic while the music is playing. Now that I’ve been here and seen it for myself, I.. still don’t understand it at all.

CEDRIC:

Of course there have been dozens of casualties, their promising lives snuffed out in an instant in a senseless and unpredictable regularly-scheduled bloodbath. But, listeners, you’ve never heard of any of the ones who died. So, it’s okay! We’re all fine again. Everything is fine.

LORENZO:

Good god, you’re completely nuts. I’m going, Cedric, and I’m going now assuming my Uber driver wasn’t among those horribly killed. Have a nice life, whatever’s left of it.

(He gets up and leaves, ranting as he heads out)

People in Woonsocket, sometimes get to die of natural causes. And they get to have regular food, instead of live spiders…

(Slamming studio door)

CEDRIC:

Well, listeners, as the regularly-scheduled catastrophe-rebuilding begins anew, it’s been another charming and beautiful day here in Creepy Town. We all love it here so much. We all. Love it. Here. In Creepy Town. So. Much.

(Studio door opens)

LORENZO: (far away)

You’re nuts, pal!

(Studio door slams)

CEDRIC:

Until next time, when I once again update you on the goings-on in our beloved middle-American suburb..

(Ambient music fades out)

Good evening, Creepy Town. Good evening.

(“Here In Creepy Town” theme starts and fades out)


(Control-switch click)


Int. Control Room

GILA:

Breslau.

BRESLAU:

Yes, Gila?

GILA:

I feel like there’s a dearth of locally-produced quality media in the world right now. Does this network have any, like, local news or anything?

BRESLAU:

Of course! We’ve got a news department.

GILA:

Wonderful.

BRESLAU:

His name is Grundy Kipling. Actually, his latest report’s coming right down the tubes now. I’ll just put it through here for you. Have a listen.

(Fade out)


(Control-switch click)


Ext. City Hall

(Ambient sidewalk noises; traffic, chatter, etc.)

GRUNDY:

-dy Kipling reporting live from the steps of City Hall, where the news of the Council’s latest decision seems to be making its way the crowd. Right here is a citizen who I’m sure has some feelings on the matter. Hello there, what’s your name?

FRENCH INTERVIEWEE:

(Responds confusedly in something which is obviously French)

GRUNDY:

(repeating what she just said)? That’s a lovely name. And you’ve doubtless heard the news, how do you feel about this latest decision from City Council?

FRENCH INTERVIEWEE:

(Replies with more French)

GRUNDY:

Er.. Yes, and what repercussions do you think there will be from the council’s decision?

FRENCH INTERVIEWEE:

(Replies with a longer string of French)

GRUNDY:

Uh.. how do you see this affecting the mayor’s agenda going forward?

FRENCH INTERVIEWEE:

(Replies amiably with yet more French)

GRUNDY:

Well.. I think you’ll find many who are in total agreement with you on this issue.

FRENCH INTERVIEWEE:

(Replies again in French as she leaves)

GRUNDY:

Er.. Grundy Kipling, Modern Technology news. Back to you, newsroom.


(Control-switch click)


Int. Control Room

BRESLAU:

Heh, “newsroom” he says. It’s just me in here, Grundy, same as always.

ROB:

Hey, Breslau?

BRESLAU:

Yes, Rob?

ROB:

So we have news.. uh, kind of. I’m wondering about other socially-constructive stuff. I don’t know if you know this, but I have a long background in activist radio and I was wondering if there’s anything like that here. Like, do we have any social causes we champion on this network? Do we lend support to anything that can make the world a better place? Stuff like that, just to raise the ol’ karma a little bit.

BRESLAU:

Oh sure, sure. In fact, there’s a PSA for a social-change organization we work with coming right down the pipe now. Have a listen to this.


(Control-switch click)


Int. Plain Studio

(Fade in on charity-appeal-style piano music)

HUGH LAURIE:(In his Dr. House accent)

Every day in Hollywood actors from England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Australia, and other English-speaking countries are cast as American characters in major television and film productions. To play their roles successfully, actors with non-American speaking voices must undergo rigorous dialogue training to lose their native accent and sound natural as American-voiced characters.

And after every production has wrapped, the sets packed up and the cast parties cleared away, more and more foreign-born actors are finding themselves stuck with their new American accent, permanently.

This condition is known as Symptomatic Expressive Prosodic Phonemic Occlusion, or “SEPPO.”

Hi, I’m TV’s Hugh Laurie. After decades of performing distinguished British roles in my native England, I found myself playing the American Doctor House to great acclaim. But after the series ended and the celebrations faded, I found I still sounded.. like this. My worst nightmare had come true; I had fallen victim to SEPPO. No longer could I comfortably speak out loud in my home city of Oxford. Her Majesty the Queen has rescinded my OBE honours. Worst of all, I had to stop reading bedtime stories to my own children as they were no longer comforted by their father’s unfamiliar reading voice

Traditionally, the SEPPO problem has been swept under the rug by the powerful Hollywood studios.  Now, with the help of organizations like the Modern Technology Podcast Network, more and more sufferers of SEPPO are bravely coming forward with their struggles.

Included among these brave performers is celebrated English actor, Gary Oldman.

GARY OLDMAN: (Commissioner Gordon accent)

Over my long acting career, I’ve always been able to switch my accent around as the role needed.  I got particularly famous for my incredible range of dialects. However, after playing Commissioner James Gordon in a full trilogy of Batman films, I felt my accent strain to its limit and then snap, leaving me sounding like a tough cop from Gotham City all the time.  Look at me, I used to be in the goddamn Royal Shakespeare Company! What a disgrace, I can’t go back to London like this.

HUGH LAURIE:

English comedienne, Tracey Ullman.

TRACEY ULLMAN (Valley Girl accent)

Yeahhh, after doing young American girl voices for so many of my characters over my long comedy career, I found myself in the middle of a Miley Cyrus sketch feeling something pull at my throat and then stay there.  I sound like this all the time now. How will I go about my next Dame Helen Mirren sketch? “Hi, I’m like totally Helen Mirren.” It doesn’t work!

HUGH LAURIE:

Australian actor, Mel Gibson.

MEL GIBSON: (Lethal Weapon accent)

I’ve been stuck in this Lethal Weapon voice since the nineteen-goddamn-eighties. It’s tragic, SEPPO has made me a laughingstock in my native Down Under, it’s put me through a lot and I’ve made some bad life decisions and have had some terrible outbursts as a result. I truly apologize for all the distress I’ve caused. I think my lapses in behavior are rooted in the shame I feel as a SEPPO sufferer as well as the threats to my career I’ve endured at the hands of the Jews who control Hollywood and covertly rule the world from their secret base in… what? What’s everyone looking at me for?

HUGH LAURIE:

So, spare a thought for actors, singers, and other potential SEPPO victims everywhere, as they continue to risk their very dialects for the sake of your entertainment. And the next time a major Hollywood blockbuster features a beloved foreign actor putting on the ol’ American accent, write to your studio heads and implore them to take responsibility and join the fight against SEPPO.

(Fade music)


(Control-switch click)


Int. Control Room

BRESLAU:

…As you see, our network contains some of the finest programming geared toward today’s discerning podcast subscriber, produced by today’s up-and-coming podcast producers.

GILA:

It’s certainly an eclectic bunch.  How do you find them?

BRESLAU:

Most of them live in this building.  We have an intricate system of cables and a series of tubes which allow them to get their shows to us right from home.

ROB:

Yeah, about that.. This place just looks like a crumbly old apartment building outside.  What’s the deal with this radio podcast nerve center being hidden away in a sub-basement in the middle of Queens?

BRESLAU:

Simple, the station was here first.  The building got built on top of it a while back.

GILA:

Seems like an awkward situation.

BRESLAU:

I’ll say it was, I don’t think the construction crew realized we were here. The noise nearly spoiled our company holiday party. And speaking of interrupting noises, listen to this..

(Fade out)


(Control-switch click)


Int. Cafe

(Busy restaurant noise)

HOOT: (approaching from distance)

Oh hi!

SMALLEY:

Hello there!  I ordered us some fries.

HOOT:

How was work?

SMALLEY:

Ugh, don’t ask.  Let’s just say, after this burger I feel like it’s definitely time to hit that Happy Hour.

HOOT:

Oh, let’s go, I feel like I could murder a cocktail.

SMALLEY:

I feel like I could do with a couple.  But anyway, I finally saw that movie you told me about last weekend!

HOOT:

Oh, finally!  I feel like I’ve been dying to talk with you about it.  What’d you think?

SMALLEY:

Oh, my, god!  I feel like I need to go back and see it again, like, soon!

HOOT:

Didn’t I call it?  When I was watching I said to myself, I feel like she needs to see this.

SMALLEY:

Yeah. I feel like it was way hyped in the reviews, but I feel like it really is one of those rare ones that merited all the hype.  And I feel like this movie’s success is really going to work out well for this cast. They’re not really well-known actors yet, but I feel like they’re really going to get noticed since it’s doing so well.

HOOT:

Totally, and I feel like, with awards season coming up..?

SMALLEY:

Oh yeah, I think they’re all shoe-ins.

HOOT:

I f-.. wait, what?

SMALLEY:

I think they’re all shoe-ins.

HOOT:

You.. you what?

SMALLEY:

I said, I think they’re all shoe-ins?  For the awards?

HOOT:

You.. I’m sorry, I don’t..

SMALLEY:

Oh… oh..  I feel like they’re all shoe-ins.

HOOT:

Ahh!  Yes, I feel like they are too.

SMALLEY:

I feel like it’s a done deal.

HOOT:

I feel like there’s no question.

SMALLEY:

I feel like that drink.

HOOT:

I feel like that drink too!

(Fade out)


(Control-switch click)


Int. Plain studio

(Ambient electronic background music)

NIGEL:

Welcome to the Bag Spinach Podcast.  I am Nigel Bag.

BILLY:

And I am Billy Spinach.

NIGEL:

And we are Bag Spinach Productions, the company where we take classic cult television series that old scifi fans used to love, and haven’t entirely forgotten about yet, and overload their canons with explosive new expanded-universe audio stories. You may know our work from the thrilling audio drama ranges we’ve done based on such scifi properties as Professor Wotsit,

BILLY:

The Survivalists,

NIGEL:

The immortal Highjumper,

BILLY:

Seven Bikes,

NIGEL:

Potato and Lutefisk,

BILLY:

The Ohmigod Factor,

NIGEL:

Scissors and Stone,

BILLY:

And, Darkening Darkness.

NIGEL:

Today we present you with a drama tease from the very first mindbending episode of our production of the groundbreakingly-psychedelic and delightfully-confusing 1960s spy series, The Guy Who Is In Really Weird Jail.

BILLY:

As we begin, a recently-retired spy is at home in London, packing his luggage for a trip he won’t soon forget.

(Fade out)


Int. Apartment

(Calming violin-y background music)

(Packing-luggage noises)

LETTER G:

Well, it’s wonderful to be home after a tough day at the office quitting my job. Now that’s over, I can have a nice holiday. I’m so excited! I’ve got my aeroplane tickets, sun cream, traveler’s cheques, spare pants, everything is packed and ready to go. Nothing can happen to ruin this fine day.

(Gas jet hissing)

Yes, indeed, things are certainly looking up for me. (getting woozy) Holiday.. time.. where did I leave my Saint.. Christopher.. medal.. for.. mummy.. there’s a boy outside.. his name is Patrick..

(Thump as he collapses to the floor)

(Fade out)


Int. Echoey room

(Unsettling psychedelic music)

LETTER G: (regaining consciousness)

What… what’s going on?  Where am I? Why is everything so colorful and psychedelic?

LETTER B:

Welcome, Letter G, to your new home here in Really Weird Jail.

LETTER G:

What.. what did you call me?

LETTER B:

You are letter G.

LETTER G:

No I’m not!

LETTER B:

Yes, you are.

LETTER G:

Why am I Letter G?  What does G stand for?

LETTER B:

G stands for… Guy Who Is In Really Weird Jail.

LETTER G:

No!  I don’t want to be in Really Weird Jail!  And, I am not a letter!

LETTER B:

Are too.

LETTER G:

Two is a number!

LETTER B:

And R is a letter.

LETTER G:

Well, you’ve.. you’ve got me there. Who are you?

LETTER B:

I am the boss here at Really Weird Jail.  You may call me… Letter B.

LETTER G:

Let who be?

LETTER B:

No, the letter B.

LETTER G:

Oh. What does B stand for?

LETTER B:

It stands for Boss of Really Weird Jail.  Now, tell me, Letter G… you used to be a guy who was a super-cool secret-agent spy, but you quit.  Why did you quit your job?

LETTER G:

That’s private, I don’t want to say.

LETTER B:

Oh, but you will tell me what I want to know, Letter G.

LETTER G:

Will not. Is that why I’m here, in Really Weird Jail?

LETTER B:

We are asking the questions! And if you don’t answer our questions, we can do really weird things to change your mind!

LETTER G:

Like what?

LETTER B:

Like… this!

(Letter B lunges at Letter G, sounds of a struggle)

LETTER G:

What are you.. (muffled)  My face!  Stop grabbing at my face this instant!

LETTER B:

There… I’ve got your nose!

LETTER G:

You… in your hand, between your fingers! It looks like.. a nose! My nose! How can that be? Give me back my nose! I did not consent to you getting my nose! I want my nose!

LETTER B:

(crosstalk) Hahahahaha!! Got your nose, got your nose, Letter G, I’ve got your nose!

LETTER G:

My nose! You… oh, I hate being the Guy Who Is In Really Weird Jail!


(Control-switch click)


Int. Control Room

BRESLAU:

Well, now that you mugs have had your tour of the place, it’s time to get to work.

ROB:

Work?

BRESLAU:

Yeah, work.  Much as my dulcet tones can caress the digital audioscape like the hands of a parental figure in a diaper ad, being on-mic ain’t my real job.  I’m the engineer, savvy? I flip the switches, repair the repairs, and keep all this stuff working. You two, get on those microphones and make some speaky noises into them with what passes for your voices.  We have slots to fill.

ROB:

Us? Aren’t there, like, other people to do this stuff? We’re the bosses, or something, aren’t we?

GILA:

Yeahh. Not to come all up in here like we own the place but, well, we actually do own the place.

BRESLAU:

Yeah, so what’s your plan, bosses?  How much on-air talent are you two going to be recruiting and paying for?

ROB:

Well, what’s the budget for this sort of thing?

BRESLAU:

Hanh?

ROB:

I mean, how much money does this place have in the bank?

BRESLAU:

Let me see that auction listing again. Huh, that’s how much you paid for this place?

ROB:

Yep.

BRESLAU:

Well, then that’s how much we have in the bank.

ROB:

Ah.

GILA:

Hooboy.

BRESLAU:

And as the station owners, you two mugs are responsible for keeping that account in the black.  Everyone here is depending on you.

ROB:

This is going to take some figuring out.

BRESLAU:

You’ve got some time to figure it out.

GILA:

How much?

BRESLAU:

Until the next episode of Modern Technology Breaks.

(Fade in on closing theme)

ROB:

You’ve been listening to Modern Technology Breaks, episode 101, performed by Gila Drazen and Rob Vincent, joined by very special guest Nicola Rose.

Created, written, directed, produced, and edited by Rob, that’s me, with additional writing by Gila and very special contributions by Nicola.

Go to modern.technology on the web for more info on this program, the people involved, episodic show-notes, our other podcasts, and our social media links at Twitter, Soundcloud, Youtube, Dingdang, Flobbadob, Bric-a-brac, and whatever else we like but not Facebook. Never Facebook. Facebook is over.

All music is from the anthology The Final Selection by Torley Wong, released Creative Commons Attribution-Sharealike. Individual song titles and download links are at modern.technology/music. Find more from Torley at torley.com. Thank you Torley!

This podcast is released under Creative Commons Attribution-Sharealike license 4.0, produced by Modern.Technology.

Send us email at breaks @ modern dot technology.

If you liked this, ratings, reviews, blah blah blah, but we’d really love you to tell at least three other people about it, directly, in real life.

(Ending theme concludes)

LETTER G:

I want my nose!

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